Content-ID: <0_453_828337101@emout10.mail.aol.com.35839> Content-type: text/plain It has been busy. Sorry I can not E-mail you as often as I would like to. But here is one you may enjoy. My dad sent me a file full of jokes. I hope you like them. Steve and Kristy Content-ID: <0_453_828337101@emout10.mail.aol.com.35840> Content-type: text/plain; name="HUMORD2.TXT" >From DKITCHEN@sisna.com Sat Mar 16 23:45:26 1996 Return-Path: DKITCHEN@sisna.com Received: from mail.sisna.com (MAIL.SISNA.COM [205.138.107.34]) by emin12.mail.aol.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id XAA18553 for ; Sat, 16 Mar 1996 23:45:12 -0500 Received: from [205.218.47.168] by mail.sisna.com (NTMail 3.01.03) id wa014530; Sat, 16 Mar 1996 21:48:46 -0700 X-Sender: DKITCHEN@mail.sisna.com X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: From: Donald Kitchen Subject: HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1996 to 15 Mar 1996 Date: Sat, 16 Mar 1996 21:48:46 -0700 Message-Id: <04484698400934@sisna.com> X-Info: SISNA >Date: Sat, 16 Mar 1996 00:00:24 -0500 >Reply-To: UGA Humor List >Sender: UGA Humor List >From: Automatic digest processor >Subject: HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1996 to 15 Mar 1996 >To: Recipients of HUMOR digests >X-Info: SISNA > >There are 15 messages totalling 872 lines in this issue. > >Topics of the day: > > 1. DC humor > 2. Misc Jokes (19/30) > 3. Celebrity Tattoo > 4. A joke and quotes part 39 > 5. Humor: Dark Sucker > 6. GETTING NOWHERE > 7. this is kinda sick... be warned. (fwd) > 8. It Was a Bad Day > 9. totally tasteless joke > 10. may be offensive to blacks > 11. Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers) > 12. Rogers Never Said-2 > 13. Old Blonde jokes > 14. Assorted Humor: The Return of the Laugh > 15. You must wait for the Ides > >---------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Date: Thu, 14 Mar 1996 22:40:14 -0800 >From: "Stephanie J. Vardavas" >Subject: DC humor > >It appears that the 9 mm Luger is becoming the weapon of choice in the >public schools of Washington, DC. > >Mayor-for-Life Marion Barry Jr. has expressed his view that this is >partly a good thing, as it shows that DC students are adopting the metric >system. > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 02:00:37 -0600 >From: CORNHOLIO >Subject: Misc Jokes (19/30) > >******WARNING****** > THIS MATERIAL MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING...READ WITH CARE! > complete list available through me...:) > >[181] This big, burly cowboy comes walking into a bar and announces to >the whole bar: "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a big bull's balls." >This little fellow in the back of the bar stands up and say: "Moo Moo Buckaroo." > >[182] One day, the Tomato family decided to go for a walk. >There was a Momma tomato, a Daddy tomato, and a little baby tomato. >The daddy tomato looked back, and noticed the baby tomato was >lagging behind a little. So the daddy tomato walked up to the baby >tomato, stepped on him and squished him.. Then he said: Catch up!! > >[183] Q: What do you call a black smurf? > A: a smigger. > >[184] Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? > A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!" > >[185] This teacher tells her class one monday "I'm going to ask a question >every monday morning. anyone who answers correctly can take the rest of the >week off." The class is excited at this, and eagerly awaits the first chance >at a week vacation. The first question was, "How many grains of sand are there >on Waikiki beach, in Hawaii?" Of course, no one even guesses. The next week >the question is, "Exactly how many craters are there on the moon's dark side?" >Again, no answers. This continues for months, with no week breaks for anyone. >Finally, one kid gets fed up and buys two marbles, and paints them black. He >takes them to class monday and awaits the question. Just as the teacher opens >her mouth, he rolls the marbles at her feet. She says, "Okay, who's the comedian >with the two black balls?" The kid jumps up and says, "Eddie Murphy. See ya >next week." > >[186] An english man, a french man and an american we all captured by >indians. The chief said, "You all get one wish before we kill you and >make canoes out of your skins." >English man: "I would like some tea." So the chief brings him some tea > and then kills him. >French man: "I would like some wine." So the chief brings him some wine > and then kills him. >American: "I would like a fork." the chief says:"A fork? Why?" I`d just like a > fork." Says the American. So the chief brings him a fork. The > american takes the fork and starts stabbing himself saying "Fuck your > canoe! Fuck your canoe!" > >[187] Two nuns are walking threw the park. These two punks jump out and > begin to rape them. > The one nun says:" Forgive him lord, for he knows not what he does." > The second nuns looks over and says:"Mine does." > >[188] Q: What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? > A: Sparky > > >[189] Q: Why did the polock steel a police car? > A: He thought it was a Porche. > >[190] Q: What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs? > A: Nigger Nigger Nigger. > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 16:14:00 T >From: Chin Koon Siang >Subject: Celebrity Tattoo > >There was this lady admirer of Elvis who has just concluded her pilgrimage >to Memphis. In a fit of adulation she decided one late night to pay a visit >to a tattoo shop. >"Here, I'll like a tiny tattoo of Elvis Presley on my innermost thigh" says >she to the tattooman. >"OK, it'll cost you $100 since it is a rather inaccessible area & you gotta >take off your panties" came the reply. >Fair enough, small sacrifice, the lady thought. >After some grunting, wheezing and squinting the job was completed and a >mirror was held for the lady to view the results. >"HEY, this doesnt look like Elvis Presley ! I want my money back & I'm gonna >sue !" screams the lady. >"Whaddya mean, its Elvis plain as day (or night) ! Gimme a break. Tell you >what, why dont we ask somebody outside for a second opinion" says the guy. >"Fair enough", the lady agreed and together they went out the door. Guess >what, at this hour, there was only a wino staggering along. So they invited >him to do the honours. >After kneeling down in front of her crotch and some more squinting, the wino >declared..... >"Well, I cant say I can recognise Elvis but you know the guy with the beard >and the bad breath, thats Willie Nelson for sure". > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 11:43:15 CET >From: Piotr Plebaniak >Subject: A joke and quotes part 39 > >To the bear comes the wolf and says with a timid voice >"Hi, bear." >Hi. >W: I heard you have a list. >B: Yes, I have. >W: And you kill everyone who is on this list?? >B: Yes. >W: And... am I on it. >B: Let me check... Yes, you are. >W: Oh no, please. You can't do it. I'm young, I have two children... >Bear: Yes I know. >Wolf: But let me only to farewell with them, will you? >B: Yes, you can do that. >Wolf: Thanks a lot. I'll be right back. > And he ran to his family. Shortly came the fox, and to make this story short > the conversation between the fox and bear was very similar to the previous. >Finally, after a while comes the hare. >Hare: Hi, pussy-bear (I dont know a pet name for bear) >Bear: Hi What do you want. >Hare: Well, I heard you have a list of a sort? >B: Yes. >H: And You kill all the animals listed on it. >B: Yup. >Hare: So maybe you could strike me uot of this list? >Bear: No problem. > >#Wit sometimes enables us to act rudely with impunity. > Duc de La Rochefoucauld >#We always love those who admire us, > but we do not always love those whom we admire. > Duc de La Rochefoucauld >#There's no trick to being a humorist when > you have the whole government working for you. > Will Rogers >#Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as > where to find a parking space. > Will Rogers >#The most successful politician is he who says what everybody > is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. > Theodore Roosevelt >#Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries > for the benefit of rich people in poor countries. > Bernard Rosenberg >#A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women > and yet has the art to remain a bachelor. > Helen Rowland. American journalist >#The saying that beauty is but skin deep is but a skin deep saying. > John Ruskin >#A dress makes no sense > unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. > Francoise Sagan >#Skepticism, like chastity should not be relinquished too readily. > George Santayana >#There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. > Charles M. Schulz >#The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself, > but in the colours and textures that come alive in others. > Albert Schweitzer > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 07:17:15 -0600 >From: Randall Woodman >Subject: Humor: Dark Sucker > >For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted >light. However, more recent information has proven otherwise. >Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus we call >these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory proves the >existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, >and that dark is faster than light. > >The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs >suck dark. Take, for example, the dark suckers in the room where >you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is >elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to >suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have much greater >capacity than the ones in this room. > >As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once >they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by >the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark >sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after >the first use, the wick turns black, representing all of the dark >that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the >wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got >in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, >these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are >also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of >the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. >When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or >replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. > >Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction >from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an >operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem as the >dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through glass. This >generates a great amount of heat. Thus, it can be very dangerous >to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If >you swim just below the surface of a lake, you will see a lot of >light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly >darker and darker. When you reach the depth of approximately 50 >feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark >sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the lighter light floats to >the top. > >The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We >can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and >push it through turbines. This generates electricity and helps >push dark to the ocean, where it can be safely stored. Prior to >turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers >and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and >tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the >same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as >not to stop the flow of dark. When they traveled against the flow >of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its >way. > >Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you >were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark >closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light >slowly enter the closet; but since the dark is so fast, you would >not be able to see the dark leave the closet. > >In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all >our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric >light bulb, remember that it is, indeed, a dark sucker. > >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >-=} Randall {=- Some people are not fully debugged before release. > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 09:29:36 -0500 >From: EYAL >Subject: GETTING NOWHERE > >FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE FUCKING FOR VIRGINITY ! > >________________________________=E1=E1=F8=EB=E4 > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 09:34:26 -0500 >From: Bryant Wu >Subject: this is kinda sick... be warned. (fwd) > >| Life Got You Down? >| >| If you've been a little depressed lately and have contemplated >| partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to >| kill yourself. Even if you don't use these exclusive royalty-free >| methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don't be boring >| and just take sleeping pills --- go out with style and flare. >| >| All these methods require some planning but don't let that dissuade >| you. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you're killing yourself. Why >| not leave a legacy? >| >| Jumping >| >| Here are a couple of great ways to kill your self by jumping off a >| tall building or cliff or basically anything really high. The thing >| about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big >| crowd watching before you jump. Don't do it when there is no one >| around. There's just no bloody point in that. >| >| Explosives Strapped to Your Body >| >| Difficulty level: 7 >| >| 1.Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better. >| 2.Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. >| That will give you good dispersion. 3.Mix vaseline and gasoline in >| a bucket. 4.Find a really tall building. Something like the World >| Trade Center is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area >| to generate the proper sized crowd. >| 5.Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a >| lighter. 6.Bring your materials to the top of your building. >| Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. >| Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. >| The more you use the better. You cannot overdo this. Attach the >| altimeter to the explosives. >| 7.Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not >| visible. 8.Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure >| to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say >| anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real >| problems. Your love life DOES NOT make for a good sound bite. Ask >| for news cameras from the major networks. Pace around a lot while >| waving your arms. >| 9.DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police >| will clear the area and you definitely don't >| want that. >| 10.When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the >| helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the >| jacket and set yourself on fire. >| 11.Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump. >| 12.Try to steer yourself towards the crowd. That way flaming falling >| body parts will pelt the fleeing onlookers when >| you explode. >| 13.Congratulations! You've just made history. >| >| Falling through Chain Saws >| >| Difficulty level: 10 >| >| This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the >| money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws. >| You do not need as high a building for this --- anything above three >| stories will do. Remember to use the vaseline-gasoline mixture. That's >| the ingredient that adds pizzazz. >| >| Bullet in Your Head >| >| Difficulty level: 1 >| >| HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun >| nearby but do not fire it. Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It >| doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for >| years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. Hell, you >| want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you? >| >| Death by Hairball >| >| Difficulty level: 3 >| >| Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you >| have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into >| your mouth. >| >| Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was >| planning to kill you in your sleep. >| >| Meat Grinder >| >| Difficulty level: 11 >| >| Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a >| hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit >| instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of >| your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the >| hidden camera. >| >| Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the >| grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it >| is enough to kill you. >| >| In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year >| later your will will be read to the news media and people all around >| the nation will vomit simultaneously. >| >| Drown in Your Own Urine >| >| Difficulty level: 8 >| >| Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. >| Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY >| URINE." >| >| This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you >| despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly >| impressive. You would have to work frantically for years, but what >| else have you got to do? Pop into alt.binaries.erotica.bestiality and >| get crackin'. >| >| Make a Political Statement >| >| Difficulty level: 5 >| >| The abundance of media outlets these days has afforded a nearly >| infinite number of ways to relay your message of doom and despair >| while consequently minimizing the impact. No longer can you be assured >| a sizable audience for the ranting and pontificating that so often >| accompany political/ecological/religious movements. >| >| "Oh, whatever can I do?!" you may be wailing. "The world is coming to >| an end. Death and despair loom on the horizon. [Insert your hated >| adversary's name here] is the embodiment of evil. He/she/they/it >| is/are/will be the antichrist/destruction of us all/black death come >| to haunt us/etc." >| >| "How can I get my cause the attention it deserves?" you ask. The >| answer is simple: A futile pointless violent act displayed to millions >| on the evening news. >| >| Chop Your Own Head Off While Standing Next to a Major World Leader >| >| 1.Ingratiate yourself with your chosen mark. Get his/her/its >| confidence. Become a trusted member of the inner >| circle. >| 2.Sew a hand ax into a coat or jacket so that it is easily >| removable but not particularly visible. 3.Make a statement. Video >| tape is preferable because the TV news shows love visuals. The more >| visual material >| they have the better. The next best thing would be audio tape. It >| won't hold an audience as well but at least it can be played >| under the video of your death. Never write a letter. No one reads >| anymore. No one will care. Make sure your message will be easily >| found on your corpse. >| 4.On the day of a major rally, with hundreds or thousands of >| attendees and lots of television cameras, wear the >| coat with the hand ax attached. >| 5.Send backup copies of your message to as many news outlets as you >| can on the appointed day. 6.Stand in the background as you remove >| the ax from the coat. When you are finished move slowly toward your >| dignitary. >| 7.As the event reaches its climax, whip out the ax and lop off your >| own head. If possible try to run around like a >| chicken. Make sure to get as much blood on the famous person as >| possible. Aim well. That will be the image that gets the news >| coverage and the sour faces from Cathy Lee Gifford. >| 8.Bask in your glorious death. You've made the supreme sacrifice to >| save the world and have ended the torment >| that was your existence. >| >| Assisted Suicide >| >| Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it takes a committee. Some of the >| many ways of suicide are just too complicated to do alone. These are >| perfectly valid routes to bliss and will not taint, in any way, your >| death. >| >| Death by Seinfeld >| >| Difficulty level: 9 >| >| Find a strong burly friend that will help you. Then find Jerry >| Seinfeld. Have your strong burly friend pick up Seinfeld and beat you >| to death with him. >| >| Later Jerry will make a tv show out of it or maybe it will just end up >| in his act. "So I said, 'Hey! Who are these people that pick up other >| people and beat other people to death with them?'" >| >| Plug 'Em Up >| >| Difficulty level: -1 >| >| Get a lot of ten-ton epoxy to seal any and all body openings. Wait a >| while. Explode. >| >| This method contributed by Scott Disanno >| >| A Pun Death >| >| Difficulty level: 3 >| >| Take five large steaks. Rub them all over your body and stuff what >| remains into every pocket and orifice you can find. Tape at least one >| streak inside your clothing directly to your body. Find one large >| hungry grizzly bear. Taunt it till it comes to a full boil, attacks, >| and kills you. >| >| Dying this way, at the paws of a grizzly bear, will allow the tabloid >| newspapers and daily tv news shows to use the headline "Grizzly >| Death!" repeatedly. >| >| Intest You Intest Me >| >| Difficulty level: 4 >| >| Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just >| don't have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. >| This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets. >| >| 1.Make a small incision in your stomach. >| 2.Pull out your intestines. >| 3.Hang yourself with the intestines. >| 4.A cryptic note about aliens might be a nice touch. >| >| End the Holiday Madness >| >| Difficulty level: 6 >| >| Anyone with half a brain hates the Thanksgiving to Christmas season. >| There is too much family. Too many happy annoying people demanding >| things from you. Too much forced joy specials on television. And WAY >| too many repetitions of songs you've been listening to since >| childhood. Anything Cathy Lee Gifford espouses must, by definition, be >| evil. >| >| The only way to escape this recurring nightmare is to: >| >| 1.Stick your head in the turkey just after it comes out of the oven >| preferrably during the Christmas DayTM >| family gathering but a Thanksgiving DayTM end may also serve your >| purposes. Your timing really depends on your own peculiar >| circumstances. >| 2.Run around banging into family members all the while flailing >| your arms. You can never go wrong flailing your >| arms when trying to kill your self. The more flailing the better. >| >| 3.Go into a room that can be easily locked so you won't be >| accidently saved by well meaning but inconsiderate >| friends or family members. >| [Alternatively you can just flee the house and run through the >| streets aimlessly until you pass out. NO ONE in a large city will >| ever go near someone with a steaming turkey on his head. If you >| live in a wooded or rural area the best thing to do would be to >| run off into the wilderness so your body can be found with all >| sorts of gnaw marks on it from the multitude of animals that will >| flock to your decaying carcass (and the turkey's too).] >| 4.An interesting footnote to this holiday might be to swallow a >| large number of Christmas ornaments (lights, small >| Santa dolls, actual fruit cake) before you follow your bliss. >| Give your family and friends (if you have either) something to >| discuss the following year. >| >| > > >-- > >jake kauth >page/vmail: 415/582.9620 >home/voice: 415/357.1943 > email: jake@cyborganic.com > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 10:26:30 -0600 >From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." >Subject: It Was a Bad Day > >It had been a bad day for the foreman. Everything had gone wrong. He came >to the end of his rope when he entered the shop to find the men loafing for >the third time that day. > "Why is it," he exploded, "that whenever I come into this shop, I find you >men loafing?" > "Probably" confessed one of the culprits, "because you wear tennis shoes." > > > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 11:08:48 CST >From: Bob Terry >Subject: totally tasteless joke > > Regarding the shootings in the elementary school in >Glenblane, Scotland, two days ago, someone asked, "Why did he do >it?" > > The reply: "Because he thought it was a post office." > >----------------------------- > > A man looks in his rear view mirror and sees a state >policeman following. He steps on it. The ensuing chase winds >through three states before he is finally apprehended at a road >block. > > The trooper goes up to the man and says, "Sir, I just >happened to be behind you. I wasn't following you. You weren't >doing anything wrong. Why did you flee like that?" > > "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a state >trooper, and I was afraid you were bringing her back." > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 12:34:56 +600 >From: "SMITH, ALAN" >Subject: may be offensive to blacks > >There was a couple of black girls walking around a fairground and >decided that they wanted their picture taken. They asked the >photographer to take their picture and so he positioned them for the >picture. He walked over to his camera and put the black covering over >his head. One of the girls said "What's he doing?". The other replied >"He's fixin' da focus". "Bofus??" >Alan M. Smith >smitha@vilonia.afsc.k12.ar.us >Vilonia High School >Vilonia, AR > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 12:35:59 -0600 >From: John West >Subject: Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers) > >He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like >a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without >one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the >country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at >a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. >(Joseph Romm, Washington) > > >She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that >used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you >banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) > > >The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a >bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > >McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag >filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) > > >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an >eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another >city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy >Ashley, Washington) > > >Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. >(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > > >Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the >center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > >Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access >T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung >by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) > > >Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) > > >He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy >Chase) > > >The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when >you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) > > >Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a >movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like >"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > >Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced >across the grassy field toward each other like two freight >trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 >mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. >(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) > > >The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the >Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) > > >They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences >that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) > > >John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who >had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > >The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin >sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a >play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) > >His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances >like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, >Woodbridge) > > >The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 15:25:35 -0500 >From: Doug McNees >Subject: Rogers Never Said-2 > > THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID - II > (but probably wishes he had) > >--Some people are so afraid of dentists they need an anesthetic >just to sit in the waiting room. > >--They call it a "dream house" because it usually costs twice as > much as you dreamed it would. > >--Conceited persons know a good thing when they see themselves > in the mirror. > >--A committee of three gets things done if two don't show up. > >--Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. > >--It's pretty sure Dan Quayle will run for President. Last > week he quit his job sorting laundry, and today he gave > his two-weeks notice at Dairy Queen. > >--My wife says, after they found O.J. not guilty, she was going out > to California and burn down some white neighborhoods. > >--My neighbor sports a bumper sticker that says "Lincoln was > wrong!" Last night his car was fire-bombed. > >--O.J. had 4 phones in his house but claims he went out to > his broncho to make a call on his cellular phone. What > is he - an equal opportunity caller? > > > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 16:18:48 -0500 >From: Jennifer Rankin >Subject: Old Blonde jokes > >Hey, no offense to you hair-color-challenged people... But everyone loves a >blonde joke, especially us redheads ;) > > > Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? > A: Gifted. > > Q: How do a blonde's braincells die? > A: Alone. > > Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? > A: Pregnant. > > Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? > A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. > > Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair > brunette? > A: Artificial intelligence. > > Q: How does a blonde part their hair? > A: (Action of scissoring legs apart) > > Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? > A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! > > Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left > leg? > A: Nothing. They've never met. > > Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? > A: After a dye job. > > Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the > plane? > A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown >around > too much. > > Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? > A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. > > Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? > A: So you can park in the handicap zone. > > Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? > A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. > > Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? > A: It takes too long to re-train them. > > Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the > computer? > A: There's white-out on the screen. > Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? > A: There's writing on the white-out. > > Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? > A: You don't appreciate either of them until they go > down on you. > > Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? > A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. > > Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? > A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno! > >Later... >~Jennifer > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 21:41:19 UT >From: "D. S. Paull" >Subject: Assorted Humor: The Return of the Laugh > > A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the Earth?" > Little Alvin said, "Terrible!" > ........ > Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, the teacher asked her kindergarten >class, "What do you have to be thankful for?" > One youngster said, "I'm thankful I'm not a turkey!" > > For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from our rural >town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket he stopped at the >concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my >friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn >was only 15 cents." > "Well, sir," the attendant replied, "you're really going to enjoy yourself. >We have sound now." >---- > As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the >airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. >One attendant captured my heart by announcing: "The captain will be parking >the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's >car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated." >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Following a brief hospital stay, a gentleman received a questionnaire asking >him to grade the facility in several different categories. For the most part, >he gave them high marks. However, at the end of the form, under "Other >Comments," he wrote: "My principle motivation in striving to lead a >law-abiding and upright life is the fear that prison food might be the equal >of that served in your hospital." >------- > The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. At >her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, >the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer >if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course," the woman >snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's >the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good >health." >______ > It's my wife who makes our budget work - the secret is that we go without a >lot of things I don't need. > >------------------------------ > >Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 13:47:01 -0800 >From: Michael Smith >Subject: You must wait for the Ides > >This joke comes from a book by Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart called "The >Collapse of Chaos: Discovering Simplicity in a Complex World". A >informative little book on .....well.....discovering simplicity in a >complex world. Have a look for it in your local library. If it's not >there, begin a guerilla campaign. > >A very ugly and conceited young man, wanting to get married, went to a >matchmaker and asked for help finding a wife. "I want someone utterly >beautiful and totally exceptional." > "I have just the girl," says the matchmaker. "She's rich, >intelligent, and absolutely stunning." > "Hold it," Said the young man, suddenly suspicious. "Why is she >still single?" > I admit," said the matchmeaker, "that she has one tiny problem." > "I thought so." > "No, it's nothing very terrible. It's just that one day every >year, she goes a little bit crazy. Doesn't cause any trouble, just a bit >weird. After it's over, she's fine for an entire year." > "I can live with that," said the young man. "Where is she?" > "Not right," said the matchmaker. "If you want to her to marry >you, you'll have to wait a bit." > "Until when?" the ugly and conceited man asked eagerly. > "Until the day she goes crazy." > >Mike > >------------------------------ > >End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1996 to 15 Mar 1996 >************************************************ >