-------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Forty-two Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard 42. One Word: Hair. 41. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. 40. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! 39. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. 38. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 37. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 36. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 35. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 34. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. 33. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 32. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 31. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. 30. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 29. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. 28. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. 27. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" 26. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 25. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. 24. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. 23. Picard never met Joan Collins. 22 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions. 21. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. 20. Kirk knows how to deal with peace-loving hippy goofs. 19. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. 18. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only. 17. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. 16. One Word: Fisticuffs. 15. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. 14. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources. 13. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. 12. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. 11. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. 10. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk. 9. Kirk's bridge is not beige. 8. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles. 7. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. 6. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL. 5. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. 4. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it. 3. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed. 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. 1. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick ------------------------------ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why ask why..... Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere-else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?