The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles Do You Love As Good As You Look? Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight? Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? I Been Roped and Thrown by Jesus In the Holy Ghost Corral I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling I Fell In A Pile Of You and Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From the Toilets Of My Heart I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I Wouldn't Take Her to A Dawg Fight, 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'm Just a Bug On The Windshield Of Life I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Oh, I've For Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill She Got The Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft She Got the Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of the Timber Of My Heart She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate in A Buffalo Herd You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever; (6) (7) (8) 6. 7. 8. no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish" that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn't meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn't lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she'd have a swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother's name was Hy make it she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn't stand my tie grovel ___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked