December 14, 1995 

Dearest John:  
	I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear  tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been more  surprised.  
	With deepest love and affection,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 15, 1995  

Dearest John:  
	Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine -- two turtle  doves!  I am delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just  adorable.  
	All my love, 
		Agnes  	
***********************************************************  
December 16, 1995 

Dear John: 
Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one!  Now I really must protest.  I don't  deserve such generosity -- three French hens.  They are just darling but I  must insist -- you've been too kind.
	Love,
	  Agnes  
***********************************************************  	
December 17, 1995

Dear John:  
	Today the postman delivered four calling birds.  Now really, they're  beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?  You're being too romantic.  
	Affectionately,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 18, 1995  

Dearest John:  
	What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for  every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all those  birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.  
	All my love,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  	
December 19, 1995  

Dear John:  
	When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front  steps.  So you're back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining, and I can't  sleep through the racket.  Please stop.  	Cordially,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 20, 1995  

John:  
	What's with you and those fucking birds?!?  Seven swans a-swimming?!?  What  kind of damn joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the house and they  never stop the racket.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny, so stop with the fucking birds.  
	Sincerely,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 21, 1995  

OK buster:  
	I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with eight  maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids  a-milking, but they had to bring their damned cows!  There's shit all over  the lawn, and I can't move in my own house.  	Just lay off me, smartass. 
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 22, 1995  

Hey Shithead:  
What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers playing.  And  boy do they play!  They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got  here yesterday morning.  The cows are getting upset and they're stepping  all over those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The neighbors  have started a petition to evict me.  
	You'll get yours,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 23, 1995  

You rotten prick:  
	Now there's ten ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts  ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all night long!  Now the cows  can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the  building shouldn't be condemned.  I've called the police on you.  	One who means it  
***********************************************************  
December 24, 1995 

Listen Fuckhead:  
	What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?!?  Some  of these broads will never walk again!  Those pipers have finished running  through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows!  All 23 of  the birds are dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope  you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.  
	Your sworn enemy,  
		Agnes  
***********************************************************  
December 26, 1995  

Dear Sir:  
	This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which  you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Agnes McHolstein.  The  destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come to our  attention.  If you should attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Dale  Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.  With  this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.  
	Cordially,  
		Badger, Bender and Cajole, Esq.