First off, let me just say that if you are reading this, you are probably a member of the rapidly growing field of computers and phone support for computer software. You are also insane. No, no, don't argue with me. I'm in the field myself and I'm insane (No I'm not!) Yes I am! (Am NOT!) AM! (AM NOT!) Look we'll talk later when we're alone. (Oh... okay) Ahem. Sorry about that. Okay, enough about me, let's talk about your deficiencies.....
Let's just assume you're a Tech Rep for a software company which is, I believe, a safe assumption because you're reading this and it's entitled The Tech Rep's Field Guide so why would be reading it if you weren't a Tech Rep? Unless you're someone who wishes to be a Tech Rep in which case you're insane also and more than welcome to read along as long as you don't interrupt with stupid questions. Anyone caught asking stupid questions will be treated like a customer. In case you don't know ... that's a bad thing. I'll detail that more a little later.
Again, let's just assume you're a Tech Rep. You probably think you know how to handle any problem, right? Irate callers? Piece of cake! Total illiterates? No problem!! Am I right?? Well, let me just ask you one question ... Has anyone who's ever called you for support ever called back again? For any reason? Of course the answer is yes, and that means you are not doing your job correctly. NO ARGUMENTS!! God, you whiners are just annoying as all hell!! Face facts, when people have to call you, it costs the company money and the more money the company has to pay for phone calls, the less they can afford to pay you! Now, I can teach you how to save your company money and increase your wages and you'll never hear from the same caller twice in the process. Surely you're interested in that, right?
That's right, the enemy. This is war dammit, and any of you lilly-livered pansies that don't realize that won't last more than 2 weeks out on the battlefield, (i.e. the callfloor). So who is the enemy, you ask? DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WOULD NOT TOLERATE STUPID QUESTIONS??!! Now drop and give me 20!! The callers are the enemy, that much is obvious.
Granted, we can't stop them from calling the first time because those putzes in Marketing insist on putting the Technical Support number on the packaging and in the software. Why? Because THEY don't have to take the calls from the mentally challenged masses like we do. But just because we can't stop people from calling, hereafter referred to as 'bothering' or 'annoying', us, we have a lot of control in determining if they'll bother again.
Some people in management where you work might try to tell you that you're supposed to HELP the person calling with whatever problem they have. HA! If we did that, they'd always be calling back! What's the point in that? No, no ... instead of helping them solve their problem, you should make them solve the problem themselves. There are a couple of ways to do this, which leads us to:
A-
Caller: "Do I need a computer to run your software?"
Tech: "No, your toaster should work just fine."
B-
Caller: "How do I install your program?"
Tech: "Follow the instruction on the package."
Caller: "Where are the instructions?"
Tech: "Can you read? We have interpreters for the illiterate available."
Caller: "Yes I can read, but I don't understand it."
Tech: "Then there's no way in hell you're gonna get this working. Thanks for calling." (click)
A-
Caller: "My Cardinal 14.4 modem won't connect to your service."
Tech: "That's because it's a piece of crap. Buy a real modem. Thanks for calling."
B-
Caller: "The screen says press any key to continue. Where's the "any" key?
Tech: "The any key only shows up when you immerse the computer in water. Fill your bathtub with warm water and slowly lower the machine into the tub. The "any" key will become shockingly clear to you. Thanks for calling."
C-
Caller: "I was online and I picked up a phone in the house and all I heard was this scratching sound! Is this normal?"
Tech: "No, not at all. It means your cat was chewing on the phone line! Quick turn it off before you kill him!! Thanks for calling."
A-
Tech: "What speed is your modem?"
Caller: "Medium. (pause) What's that bashing sound?"
B-
Tech: "Okay, now hit the letter U."
Caller: "Is that the letter Y-O-U? (pause) What's that bashing sound?"
C-
Tech: "Okay, what's it say on the screen?"
Caller: "It says (product name deleted), double click to start. Should I click once or twice?
Tech: (Bash Bash Bash!!!!)
D-
Tech: "Can I have your area code please?"
Caller: "MY area code?
Tech: "Oh no, just go ahead and pick one at random." (Bash Bash Bash!!!)
A-
Tech: "Thanks for calling Tech Support, just do as you're told and no one will get hurt."
Caller: "Excuse me, did I just hear you...?"
Tech: "We know where you live, we are tracing the call. Please remove the indignant tone from your voice and your two children will return home shortly, unharmed."
Caller: "Yes, master."
See how easy that is? While the one example of the Tech telling the caller to submerse the computer in water may result in legal action against the company you work for, it is more than likely that the idiot, er, caller, in this instance will wind up dead, and the world will be a better place for it.
Now, what do you do when a truly stupid person calls you? Sure, you can just tell them to make sure they have a current Microfleem installed in the Positronic Demodulator in their computer and that if they don't, the program won't work, but where's the fun in that? After the fifth person in a row responds after maximizing their brain power just so they can utter, "Huh?", the humor is lost. No, with the truly stupid not only can you blatantly blow them off using the examples above, you can also cause them so much pain that as soon as they get off the phone with you, they'll be looking to sell that computer as soon as possible.
A-
Tech: "What do you mean there's nothing there? Did you type Format C: like I told you?"
Caller: "I... I think so..."
Tech: "You THINK so? Well, apparently you mis-typed something, because all the files are gone now. Sorry, there's not much I can do for you until you get everything reinstalled. Give us a call then. Thanks for calling."
A-
Tech: "Okay, now click the "Continue" button."
Caller: "The "Continue" button. Say, can you see what I'm doing?"
Tech: "Yes and you'd better stop playing with that thing."
B-
Caller: "How do I send E-Mail?"
Tech: "Take the letter you have written and force the paper into the disk drive on your computer. Our program takes care of the rest. After a while, you'll notice that the paper catches on fire. This is normal, so don't worry."
C-
Caller: "I put your disk in the drive, but it won't run. Well, actually I had to fold the disk over because it was too big to fit in the slot. Now I can't get it out."
Tech: "Gosh, you must have folded it the wrong way. Let me ask you this, do you fold your car in half when a parking place isn't big enough? Moron! Were you born clueless or did you have to work at it? Get off my damn phone!"
There are many other ways of dealing with these people, some of which are even legal. If you can somehow get the majority of the people in your office to practice these methods, then your life at work will become not only less stressful, but almost a virtual paradise.
Sure, if people stop calling you might lose your job, but there's plenty of other companies that are always looking for experienced Technical Support People.
(John H. Moore is currently employed by XXXXXXX XXXXXX in Tucson AZ. If by any chance you are a supervisor that works at the same place, just let me say, I love my job and this Guide is meant solely for entertainment purposes. If you are not a supervisor, please disregard the previous sentence.)
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