You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
You find humor is other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOO much simpler.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these teachers myself. I'd pay them Babysitting wages.
That's right...instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private daycare.
Now how many children do they teach in a day, maybe twenty? That's $15.00 x 20 = $300 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all those vacations. $300 x 180 = $54,000. (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)
I know you teachers will say, "What about those who have ten years of experience and a Master's degree?" Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just babysitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times twenty children. $5.00 x 5 x 20. That's $500 a day times 180 days. That's $90,000.
HUH? Wait a minute. Let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around there???!
This needs some minor revision.
*I never actually got around to reading this.
My office hours are by appointment only.
*I like to get out of here early.
Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
*I'll be fudging your grades.
This won't be on the test.
*Nap time!
Bring the text to class.
*I don't have a clue how to lecture - we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.
I'm not fully up to speed on that.
*I've got my head up my ....
I don't have the latest department guidelines...
*I've got my head up my ....
Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed...
*I've got my head up my ....
Talk to the department secretary.
*Piss off.
Talk to me in my office after class.
*Get out of my face.
The tests will all be multiple-choice.
*I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.
Don't come in late during my lecture.
*I have the attention span of a fruit fly.
Save your questions until the end.
*See above.
The final will be comprehensive.
*I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
*This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.
There are two TAs available to help you.
*I can't be bothered.
This year, I'll be scaling the grades.
*I just passed tenure review.
Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
*I have a hangover.
Let's have class outdoors today!
*I had beans for lunch.
You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore.
*My contract wasn't picked up.
Please note the last day to withdraw.
*The midterm's gonna suck.
The answer to #4 is "b", and just skip #17.
*I only got around to making up the test last night.
The second list is optional reading.
*I have a rich fantasy life.
I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
*The department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.
Well, it was on the syllabus.
*I'll hold you responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.
We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
*There wasn't enough money in the budget for a TA.
Bring a #2 pencil to the exam.
*See above.
Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
*I'm so boring, no one would show up otherwise.
Read chapters 5 through 10.
*I'm not coming in at all next week.
We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
*I screwed up on the lecture schedule.
Let's go over the exam.
*Half of you failed.
It was in the textbook.
*I pulled it out of my ....
Extra credit is available.
*I need some grunt-work done.
I'm postponing today's exam.
*There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.
Don't write on the question sheet.
*I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.
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