DEAR DIARY:

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Minnesota. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God's country. I love it here!

Oct. 14 Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through some beautiful hills and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise ... I love it here!

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Minnesota.

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland...I love it here!

Dec 19 More Snow last night...couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time! I'm exhausted from shoveling. D@#n snowplow!

Dec. 22 "White Christmas" my busted @$$! More frigging snow! If I ever get my hands on that SOB who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate the dumb b@$t@rd. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt this friggin' ice!

Dec. 28 More white cr@p last night! Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway every time "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of white cr@p. The weatherman say's to expect another 10" of this cr@p tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

Jan. 1 Happy Fudging New Year, the weatherman was wrong (again). We got 34" of the white cr@p this time. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road and idiot had the cahoneys to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling the cr@p he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one over his friggin' head!

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a d@#n deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the sucker. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those friggin' beasts ought to be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road. Car looks like a piece of cr@p!

June 1 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their frigging mind would ever want to live in that God-forsaken state of Minnesota.