Redneck Humor

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
• You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
• You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• You take a six-pack cooler to church.
• You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
• You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
• You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say

• "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex".
• Duct tape won't fix that.
• Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
• Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken.
• We don't keep firearms in this house.
• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
• Wrasslin's fake.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We're vegetarians.
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
• Who's Richard Petty?
• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
• Deer heads detract from the decor.
• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
• I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
• I've got it all on a floppy disk.
• Unsweetened tea tastes better.
• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
• My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
• I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
• She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
• Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
• I don't have a favorite college team.
• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
• Pass the tofu.
• My truck won't go through that.
• Know where I can get tickets to the opera?
• Elvis who?
• Checkmate.

Hickphonics

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in with the "Gummit" by labeling Black slang as a language, "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this would be a Hickophone. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI

- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW

- Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew."

BARD

- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH

- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER

- noun. The state just west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS

- noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK

- verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE

- noun. An acloholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT

- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH

- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL

- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR

- noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS

- noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR

- noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE

- noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD

- Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED

- adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT

- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'all."

RATS

- noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN

- adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID

- adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR

- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR

- noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE

- Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE

- a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED

- verb, past tense.

VIEW

- contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW

- phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor? Go bah me that Linnerd Skinnerd tape"

GUMMIT

- Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Redneck Etiquitte

• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
• Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
• Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
• Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnaping. It's bad for your reputation.

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

• Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

• Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

The Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo

• LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter.
• LOGOFF: Don't add no more wood.
• MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on that wood stove.
• DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the pickup.
• MEGAHERTZ: How you feel after downloading the farwood.
• FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha get from tryin' to carry to much farwood.
• RAM: That thang whut split the farwood.
• HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
• PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time.
• WINDOW: 1) What to shut when it's cold outside. 2) Yankee spelling for winter.
• SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season.
• BYTE: What them dang flys do.
• CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
• MICRO CHIP: What's left in the munchie bag.
• INFRARED: Where the left over munchies go; Fred eats em.
• MODEM: Watcha did to the hay fields.
• DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife.
• LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps.
• KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang keys.
• SOFTWARE: The plastic forks and knives.
• MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.
• MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
• PORT: Fancy flatlander wine.
• ENTER: Northern for "c'mon in y'all."
• RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't remember what ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...