Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 ©, the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully.
Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 © represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 ©. You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 © contains many features not found in Windows 95 ©, or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 © offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 © comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 © offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 © to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded.
You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed -- permanently.
Windows 98 © also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 © solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10,000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as a single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, or retina scan, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 © as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 ©.
NOTICE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the "Southern" edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside the deep South. If you have one of the Southern editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super-imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the "Recycle Bin" is labeled "Outhouse", "My Computer" is called "This Infernal Contraption", "Dialup Networking" is called "Good Ol' Boys", "Control Panel" is known as the "Dern Dashboard", "Hard Drive" is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive", and "floppies" are "them little ole plastic disc thangs".
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = aww shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98
tiperiter...........A word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files coon
dog.................American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
car ................same as truck just need two list in Alabama
cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud.................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy the Southern edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
An example of Bill Gates' latest project plan:
1. Buy some small web browser.
2. Add 2 lines of code and change its name.
3. Give it away to drive the $39.95 browsers out of business
4. Move the code into shared libraries used by Windows
5. Sell the browser to the dupes as a $98.00 Windows upgrade
6. Add 300 previously released system fixes to justify the upgrade cost.
7. Watch the fools spend their money on this old/new $98.00 browser.
8. Write a thank you note to PT Barnum's family.
Yes, but it's common knowledge that Bill forfeited his soul to Satan to get where he is today.
Well, that's the short story. Bill actually forfeited his soul simply for the success that came with the first implementation of MS-DOS. And Satan was happy for a while.
Then one day Bill said, "Satan, I want 100 million dollars."
Satan said, "Why should I give you anything more? I already own your soul."
"That old thing?" Bill said. "Why, there are all kinds of sins that soul can't commit. I'm thinking of plans so evil that if you tried to get that soul to carry them out, it'd just freeze up."
"I does that already," Satan whined. "What does a soul mean when it says 'Abort Retry Ignore Fail'? What am I supposed to do?"
"You see?" smirked Bill. "You were never really satisfied with that soul anyway. You need the new improved version."
"But why should I pay?" whimpered Satan. "If I own your soul don't I have the right to free upgrades?"
"You're paying for research," Bill said smoothly. "I can't afford to just give it away. You understand, don't you?"
"But the only reason I need the new soul is because this one's defective." Satan scratched his head. It didn't seem like a good deal somehow.
"Look!" snapped Bill. "Do you want to keep that old soul? Fine. That's your lookout. I'll sell the new one to someone else and suddenly *he'll* be committing sins that make yours look stupid. Do you want to be stuck with my old soul when someone else has the upgrade?"
"It is a pretty crappy soul," Satan admitted. "All right. Another 100 million dollars."
"Oh, and you have to make me smarter, stronger, and faster or I can't control this new soul," Bill persisted.
"Fine. Consider it done."
This scene played itself out several times over the following years. Each time Bill got more money and became smarter, stronger, and faster so Satan could take advantage of the new soul. Each time it seemed that this new soul would be the right one, the one that sinned the way a soul *ought* to sin.
Each time Bill returned, slyly insinuating that this new soul was a piece of junk, outdated and outmoded, and that pretty soon he was going to stop doing sins this soul supported and only conceive of sins that were beyond its capabilities. This led, as we said, to more money and more power.
These days the conversations go easier than they used to. Satan's lost his will to resist. Bill strides into the office and says, "Hello, Satan."
And Satan replies, "Yes Master?"
Last we heard Satan was going to lay off most of the demons and restructure Hell as a satellite office. He's relocating to Seattle.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry, saying: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
GM reportedly responded to the comment with this statement: Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day? Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on. Occasionally executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this, too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then, you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, and was five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but itwould only run on 5 percent of the roads. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" light. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Undocumented Windows Errors
oWinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
oWinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
oWinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
oWinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
oWinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
oWinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
oWinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
oWinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
oWinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
oWinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
oWinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
oWinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
oWinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
oWinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
oWinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
oWinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
oWinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
oWinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
oWinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
oWinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
oWinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows
license is not valid anymore.
oWinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
oWinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
oWinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a
penalty for that.
oWinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
oWinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
oWinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
oWinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
oWinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
oWinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however,
requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
oWinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left
mouse button to continue.
oWinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be
displayed or recorded.
oWinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
oWinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete
boot procedure.
oWinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
"What if Data (from "Star Trek, The Next Generation") were Microsoft Windows compatible?"
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.
The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data.
Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
LaForge pulls Data's left ear.
PICARD: Shields...
There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console.
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.
LAFORGE: (alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: (checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.
FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
No, Windows XP is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
* Viruses replicate quickly.
Okay, Windows XP does that.
* Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Okay, Windows XP does that.
* Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Okay, Windows XP does that, too.
* Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows XP does that, too.
* Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user
will buy new hardware.
Yup, that's with Windows XP, too.
Until now it seems Windows XP is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
* Viruses are well supported by their authors.
* Viruses are running on most systems.
* The program code for viruses is fast, compact and efficient, and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows XP is NOT a virus!
Where do you want to go today?
Straight to hell, apparently.
The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to go today?" and a final, furious blast of music. It's a very cool effect.
But if you dig a little deeper...
As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..."
In English: "When the damned are confounded, and consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want to go today.
Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade to Purgatory is pretty steep.
Microsoft TV Dinner Installation Instructions
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.&*%*.good/tryagain\again/again.&*%*.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, The three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
11. Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
10. Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.
9. Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."
8. The "Good Plague" hoax.
7. Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
6. The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
5. Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
4. Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.
3. Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.
2. Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then...
1. The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
THE DEATH OF BILL GATES
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God....
"Well Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. So I'm going to do something I'e never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, and the temperature was perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God, "if this is Hell, I REALLY want to see heaven."
"Fine" said God, and off they went...
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for quick minute, and rendered his decision, "Hmmmm, I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire". So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited two weeks ago!! I can't believe that this is happening!! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," God replied. "That was the Beta Version."
Return to Michael's Funnies Page