Irrational fear is a God-given gift. Listen to your inner snivelling coward.
If you inherit an ancient house from a distant relative, burn it down for the insurance money no matter what riches the will promises if you move in.
Never read aloud, especially if the text is in a language other than modern English.
No matter how cute she is, never date the captain of the Innsmouth High School swim team.
If you hear a strange noise and your pet runs for cover, follow it.
Don't swim off Devil's Reef.
If you find unusual geometric markings on the floor of your newly aquired colonial house, redecorate (quickly)!
Don't go in the attic/cellar/old barn/hidden passageway.
Distrust strangers with expressionless, immobile faces, especially if they wear archaic clothing.
Curiosity killed the cat -- and your scholarly great-uncle, and his cleaning woman, and his next-door neighbor.
Install electric lighting.
Life's a beach, then you mutate.
Those ten-foot cone things in the basement are NOT part of mansion's heating or plumbing systems. Stay away from them.
If a friend or relative doesn't seem like himself, he isn't.
Why don't you skip that overseas expedition and subscribe to National Geographic instead?
Let the Arkham County sheriff investigate. That's what you're paying taxes for.
There is no need to repeat onself. If the word Hastur makes no sense the first time, it won't make any on the second. What could make the third time different?
When you are reading your late uncles diary and he talks about unspeakable horrors that are stealing his soul, it is never too soon to run screaming from the house.
Some colors really are evil.
Don't stay in any rooms whose corners meet at strange angles.
If you receive a strange book or manuscript in the mail from a relative you barely know, don't read it at night under bright starlight. Go to a crowded park or mall at noon and read it there.
If you find yourself in a town in the middle of nowhere that appears to have been forgotten by time, and one of the residents advises you to leave, take his advice.
Carry a flashlight at all times. In fact, carry a whole bunch. Carry bright halogen surefires, unbreakable LED flashlights, and million candle spotlights like in the X-Files. Tie them to your body so you don't lose them. And check the batteries.
If you find a bricked up opening/doorway, leave it blocked.
STAY AWAY FROM THE WELL!!!
Don't feed the ghouls.
Before you dismiss local tradition as "old wives' tales," recall that old wives are frequently correct.
Yes, Virginia, there really is a Cthulhu.
Archaeology and library science are hazardous, stressful careers. Choose something safer, such as NASCAR racing or the U.S. Marines.
If an exotic men's fraternal organization opens in that old, abandoned church, politely refuse its membership drive and volunteer as a Scout master instead.
Should you insist on dating the captain of the Innsmouth High School swim team, avoid movies such as "The Little Mermaid," "Creature From the Black Lagoon," or "Jaws."
MS doesn't always mean muscular schlerosis, sometimes it means something -really- bad like Miskatonic State (or Microsoft).
If you decide that all of this well intended advice must be ignored in a particular case, always investigate with someone who cannot run as fast as you.
As horrible as those old books are, volunteer to read them over investigating the odd light in the swamp, in-bred hill-billies, haunted house, or dubious new cult.
Don't eat the native cuisine of any foreign tribe whose name you cannot pronounce.
Cremation: it's cheap, it's clean, and it protects you from unpleasant post-mortem surprises.
While discretion is the better part of valor, cowardice is the better part of discretion.
If the old odd house has been shunned for generations, don't break the trend.
The best thing to do when your neighbors complain or strange lights, smells, or noises coming from their well is to move.
Do not, under any circumstances, read Arabic literature.
Do not return to any "Ancestral Estates." Ever. I mean it.
There is no reason to investigate anything that happened to anyone. If you want to be brave, look at the three week old tuna salad in your refrigerature. That won't drive you insane.
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