15. Mordor uses its status as a permanent member of the Security Council to veto any sanctions or military action against itself.
14. Gollum is captured by the elves, who diagnose him with bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder, and paranoid schizophrenia. He is committed to a mental institution, where he receives medication and daily counseling until his escape.
13. Upon hearing that Frodo intends to destroy the One Ring, Bilbo sues for custody. Frodo is forced to return to the Shire to retrieve an inventory of the inheritance, proving that Bilbo left him all his property, including the Ring.
12. Elrond refuses to let the Fellowship leave for Mordor until Gandalf presents a detailed timeline for the invasion, including a viable exit strategy. ("Giant eagles? You've got to be kidding.")
11. Gimli and Legolas, driven by the memory of decades of ethnic cleansing, attack each other on sight. Neither one survives to leave Rivendell.
10. Gondor and Rohan accuse Saruman of developing weapons of mass destruction. Saruman fervently denies these accusations but refuses to allow weapons inspectors in. The international community debates the issue endlessly but ultimately does nothing. Meanwhile, the Ents, still stinging from a previous incident with Saruman, denounce him as an agent of evil, invade Isengard, and reduce it to rubble -- thereby destroying any evidence of weapons of mass destruction that might have been there in the first place.
9. After gazing into the Palantir, Pippin decides to leave the Fellowship when Sauron offers him a job as a consultant with a higher salary, a comprehensive medical and dental package, stock options, and a lucrative 401(k).
8. Faramir's patrol is stopped on the way back to Osgiliath by demonstrators who sing protest songs and wave signs reading "Give peace a chance" and "Gandalf is a war criminal".
7. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals files an injunction against the Rohirrim, claiming that the ride to Gondor will needlessly threaten the lives of thousands of horses. The Rohirrim are unable to get a judge to reverse the injunction and are forced to walk to Gondor.
6. Fortunately for the Rohirrim and the people of Gondor, the march of Sauron's army to Pelennor Fields is itself delayed by an outbreak of mad oliphaunt disease.
5. After he is accused of eating all the lembas bread, Samwise pushes Gollum off the stairway at Cirith Ungol in a fit of rage. He is arrested and charged with murder, but his attorney negotiates a plea bargain. Sam pleads no contest to second-degree manslaughter and is given a suspended sentence with mandatory community service and anger management counseling. Smeagol's family decries the verdict as a miscarriage of justice.
4. When Gandalf stops Denethor from setting fire to himself and Faramir, Denethor takes him to court. The Gondorian Civil Liberties Union (GCLU) represents Denethor, arguing that he has a right to die with dignity. Meanwhile, Faramir gets a judge to declare his father mentally incompetent and takes control of the Stewardship.
3. Aragorn's assumption of the crown of Gondor is marred by protests and rioting by those still loyal to Faramir. A quick and brutal suppression of the riots by Royalist forces sparks a full-blown Stewardian revolt. A bloody civil war rages for months.
2. Unable to collect payment from Sauron for damages done to the Prancing Pony by the Black Riders, Barliman Butterbur hires a collection agency in Hobbitton to pursue collection efforts against the "Underhills". Frodo returns to the Shire to find that a lien has been placed against his hobbit-hole. He is forced to file Chapter XIII bankruptcy in order to pay the interest, fees, and collection costs.
And finally . . .
1. Frodo, Samwise, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, and Aragorn (and most of the rest of the cast) develop lung cancer from smoking too much pipeweed.
©2004 by Michael Martin. This work may be freely distributed as long as the content remains unchanged and this notice appears with each distribution.
Return to Michael's Funnies Page