. . . You can touch all four walls of your office simultaneously.
. . . You can translate from Quattro to Lotus to Excel and back again.
. . . You go out and sit in your car on your break because it gives you a chance to stretch out.
. . . You can name the spouse, children, and pets of the new guy down the hall, though you've never met in person.
. . . You come into your office after pulling an all-nighter and it takes you until 3:00 to notice that you're not even at your own desk.
. . . The person whose desk you've been using doesn't notice until 3:00 either.
. . . You're too nearsighted to drive without your glasses, but you never wear them at work.
. . . You fantasize about having a desk, even one of the old steel ones that are painted battleship gray.
. . . You can tell by scent that someone in the office burned their popcorn in the microwave, and you can tell by sound exactly who is eating it now.
. . . You think "Dilbert" is hilarious, but your friends and family from outside the office don't understand it.
. . . You've established a one-to-one correspondence between characters from "Dilbert" (Wally, pointy-haired boss, secretary with a crossbow, evil HR director Catbert, etc.) and people in your office.
. . . You own at least one Scott Adams book.
. . . You've mastered the intricacies of the latest versions of Windows, Word Perfect Suite, and MS Office, but you still can't program your VCR.
. . . You've written a new set of lyrics to "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants: "Cubicle man, cubicle man . . . "
. . . You dream only in the following colors: gray, slate blue, rose, and beige.
. . . You realize one day that all your friends are geeks . . . and then you realize that you're a geek, too.
. . . You are continually taunted and vexed by people who have doors on their offices.
. . . You've got office supplies you didn't even know existed before you started your present job.
. . . The location of your 'office' has changed at least three times in the last year.
. . . You wear a tie to work that you haven't worn since high school . . . and someone in the office is wearing the same tie.
. . . You don't diet, you go on a 'personal downsizing program'.
. . . You have to grovel for your paycheck, and it's almost not worth the effort.
. . . You've been putting off some needed dental work--not because you're afraid of your dentist, but because you're afraid of your HR director.
. . . You have to reach for a dictionary when someone uses the phrase "social life".
. . . But you know the meaning of the term "micromanaging".
. . . You're proficient in the use of phone mail, e-mail, and the fax machine, but you can't remember where to go to buy stamps.
. . . You've seen a supervisor/manager/executive walk past the copy machine to ask a secretary to make copies for them.
. . . Three words: dress-down Friday.
. . . You've ever looted the now vacant cubicle of a departed employee in search of better office supplies and/or furniture.
. . . It's hard to see your mouse pad because it's the same color as your desk.
. . . You've ever moved your office . . . not just the furniture, but the actual office.
. . . You've worn all the letters off your keyboard.
. . . You have "CRT sunburn".
. . . You and your co-workers threaten to strike when the coffee machine goes down.
. . . Your company gets a group rate at the Carpal Tunnel Clinic.
. . . You've developed a phobia about wide open spaces.
. . . You've ever been to a meeting, the sole and express purpose of which was to plan another meeting.
. . . Your new checks have your company's logo on them.
. . . Your job description includes the phrase 'target for middle-management hostility'.
. . . You know what the Peter Principle is and to whom it applies at your office.
. . . You missed the final episode of "Friends" because you were working on a report that your boss 'had to have' at 7:00 the next morning.
. . . You've ever been 'downsized', 'rightsized' or 'reengineered'.
. . . You understand more than half the items on this list.
©1997/2004 by Michael Martin. This work may be freely distributed as long as the content remains unchanged and this notice appears with each distribution.
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