One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his employees. He wrote the following:
1) Bob Jones, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2) hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5) finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7) breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10) classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13) executed as soon as possible.
Regards, Project Leader
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the project leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.
Regards, Project Leader
NAME:____________________ DATE OF REVIEW ____________________
KNOWLEDGE:
1. ___ The S.O.B. really knows his $h!t.
2. ___ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3. ___ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
4. ___ Brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
ACCURACY:
1. ___ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sexual fantasies.
2. ___ Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his @$$.
3. ___ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
4. ___ Couldn't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
RELIABILITY:
1. ___ Really dependable little #@*%.
2. ___ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3. ___ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
4. ___ Totally and completely worthless.
ATTITUDE:
1. ___ Extremely cooperative (kisses @$$ frequently).
2. ___ Brown noser in poor standing.
3. ___ Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks that's his job.
4. ___ Doesn't give a $h!t; never did; never will.
APPEARANCE:
1. ___ Extremely neat, spends a lot of time combing his hair.
2. ___ Looks great at evaluation time.
3. ___ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
4. ___ Flies leave fresh dog crap to follow him.
PERFORMANCE:
1. ___ Goes like lightning if there's money in it.
2. ___ Does okay around evaluation time.
3. ___ Works only if kicked every two minutes.
4. ___ Couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.
LEADERSHIP:
1. ___ Carries a chainsaw and gets good results.
2. ___ Occasionally gets told to back off.
3. ___ Mother Teresa would have told him to kiss off.
4. ___ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to fresh meat.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind ... I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks but they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pickup lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And ... the number 1 sign you've had too much of corporate America:
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
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