December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows XP.
December 8 - Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
December 9 - Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.
December 10 - Uncrate stable and manger flown in from Bethlemen.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use.
December 13 - Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 14 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 15 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 16 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 18 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear a son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of the Lord.
December 28 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 29 - Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 - Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire for world peace.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOIA:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire.
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens, turtle doves, and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Good Kwanzaa. Oh heck, Happy Holiday!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)**
**Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that your have a thoroughly adequate day.
Twelve Drummers Drumming
.-} .-} .-}
|_| |_| |_|
(_) (_) __ (_) .---.
| \ .--. | \.' '. | \/ \
|\_|--o ) |\_|--o ; |\_|--o |
|:| '--' |:|'.__.' |:|\ /
|:| |:| |:| `---`
|:|_ |:|_ |:|_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
|M| |E| |R| |R| |Y| |X| |M| |A| |S|
(_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
/\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\
[XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX]
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Eleven Pipers Piping
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_)
(") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (")
/I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\
(/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\)
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Lords A-Leaping
w w
w 0__ \0__
\0__ w /|_ w /_
/_ __0/ '\/ / \0_ '\/ / w
'\/ / /_ ` /_ ` __0/
` `\/ \, _\ \, /_
w ` `\/ \,
\0__ w w
/_ 0__ w \0__
_\ \, /|_ __0/ |_
` `\/ \, /_ _\ \,
`\/ /, `
Nine Ladies Dancing
|~
() () 0` |~
() _/)(\_ () _/)(\_ 0`
_/)(\_ /^^\ () _/)(\_ /""\
/~~\ /____\ _/)(\_ /``\ /____\
/____\ /""\ /____\ ()
() /____\ _/)(\_ ()
|~ _/)(\_ () /^^\ _/)(\_
0` |~ /``\ _/)(\_ /____\ /~~\
0` /____\ /~~\ /____\
/____\
Eight Maids A-Milking
__.----. __.----. __.----. __.----___
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--
`(uu)' _ `(dd)' _ `(gg)' _ `(vv)' _ |
) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) |
(o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 ,/
`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
__.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--
`(99)' _ `(66)' _ `(aa)' _ `(ee)' _ |
) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) |
(o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8,/
`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
Seven swans A-Swimming
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
/,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ _,
|/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ / |
// _/ |// _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ |
/ (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ _)
/ ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` _/)
\ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- /
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Six Geese A-Laying
__ __ __ __ __ __
>(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' )
)/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ ,
/(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\
/ ) / ) / ) / ) / ) / )
\ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/
`---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-'
~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__)
Five Golden Rings
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_))
'-' '-' '-' '-' '-'
Four Calling Birds
___ ___ ___ ___
('v') ('v') ('v') ('v')
(( )) (( )) (( )) (( ))
-/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"--
Three French Hens
(\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\
( \_('> ( \_('> ( \_('>
(__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_)
-"= -"= -"=
Two Turtle Doves
_ _
<')_,/ <') ,/
(_==/ (_==/
='- ='-
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree
_
('>
/))@@@@@
/@"@@@@@()@
@@()@@()@@@@
@@@O@@@@()@@@
@()@@\@@@()@@
@()@||@@@@@
@@||@@@
||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
- As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
- The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
- And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Or Hanukkah or Kwanzza or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases.
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Except Dad, who was stirring his third martini
In a losing effort to remain in a holiday mood
As he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9-yr-old son, Bobby
It was a highly complex toy
A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of
A toy that cost more than Dad's first car
A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said "SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED"
Which was like saying that that the Titanic sustained "some water damage"
Because this toy had more parts than the Space ShuttleAnd speaking of space
Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist
Because the assembly instructions were clearly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy.
And these beings insisted on Phillips screwdrivers
And Dad could not not find his Phillips screwdriver
In fact, he was wondering who "Phillips" was
And why he needed a different kind of screwdriver than everybody else
That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047 - b to Part 3047 - c
Using a steak knife
But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house
Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house
Mom was at the Toys "R" Us store
In fact, this was the fifth Toys "R" Us store that Mom had been to that night
In her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-yr-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season
It was, of course, a Barbie © doll
But not just ANY Barbie © doll
It had to be the new model:
Abdominals Barbie ©
The one who came with her own little pink stomach-muscle-exercise device
It was the hottest Barbie © doll of all this holiday season
Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD to have it
Or her holiday season would be RUINEDAnd so of course the Mattel © Corporation
Which is run by evil trolls from Hell
Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll
And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys "R" Us
Which meant that the odds were against Mom
Because on this same festive night
Thousands of other frantic parents had converged on this same store
Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie Night of the Living Dead
Only less ethicalThe store was a war zone
Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle
Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club
She claimed her prize
And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents
She raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot
Barely missing the Salvation Army person
She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room
Where she found DadActually, she found Dad's feet
The rest of Dad was under the sofa
A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there
Dad, now on his fifth martini
Was trying to strangle the dog
Which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y
And just at that very moment
Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
That Dad let go of the dog
And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter
And what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer
"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Vixen, Now...Umm...Now...Dancer!"
"He already said Dancer," observed Dad
"He can't remember them all," said Mom
"I think one of them is Pluto," said Dad
"Wasn't Pluto the guy who was always fighting with Popeye?" said Mom
"You're thinking of Bluto," said Dad
"Now...Umm...Now Flicka!"said Santa
"Flicka was a horse, that I DO know," said Mom
"Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?" said Dad
"They are going up on the roof," said Mom
"Like heck they are," said Dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair
But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop
Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly
Which was pretty gross
"What's so funny?" asked Dad
"You two," said St. Nick. "Why are you getting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn't about material possessions!"
"Do you have kids?" asked Mom
"Well, no," said Santa
"Hah," said Mom
"But I am beloved by children the world over," said Santa
"Well," said Dad, "you won't be beloved by our son if I can't assemble this toy"
"What seems to be the problem?" said Santa, coming over to take a look
"I'm stuck on Step 824," said Dad
"Who wrote these instructions?" asked Santa. "Martians?"
"Apparently," said Dad
"I used to be pretty good with tools," said Santa. "Hand me that steak knife,"
"Sure," said Dad. "Care for a martini?"
"Heck yes," said Santa
And so he went to work
And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed
Leaving old St. Nick in the family room
He said some unsaintly words
But he eventually got Bobby's toy assembled
And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America
Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia, and Africa
This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed
When Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie ©
And Bobby came downstairs and saw his incredibly complex toy
Which he broke in under four minutes
A new holiday recoed
But it was still a festive day
Especially when Mom and Dad told the fantastic story of their late-night visitor
Which, at first, the kids did not believe
In fact, even Mom and Dad were not 100 percent sure it had happened
Until Dad got out the ladder
And one by one they climbed up to the roof
And there they saw it....
As real as life...
A Holiday Miracle...
Reindeer Poop.
(And $1,097.36 worth of shingle damage)
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie ©
. . . and one for Thanksgiving, just for fun . . .
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of...Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."
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