16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
11. What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step.
10. Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building.
8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."
6. Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement.
5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology.
4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
3. Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.
2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Start with number one and continue until you reach number 19.
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle.
2. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
3. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.
4. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
5. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
6. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in--quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
7. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
8. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
9. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
10. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
11. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
12. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
13. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
14. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
15. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
16. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
17. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
18. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
19. Take two aspirins (or Tylenol, or Advil, or Aleve, or Percocet-- whatever works for you) and lie down.
1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-off (and favorite) bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions...
Relax...your cat is normal!
DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.... Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....
DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Here are some things for you to do to get even with the Humans. Make sure you alone dictate what time they go to bed. Keep them from enjoying their sleep so they can see what it is like! Wait until they crawl in, tuck themselves in, turn out the light, and do one of, or a combination of, these things:
There are so many things a Kitty can do to get even. The important thing is to make sure the Human knows what it feels like to get interrupted, like they do to us. We must make the world safe for Kitties to sleep in once again.
Are your eyes getting tired? Poor Kitty! Get some rest! After all, you just spent 120 seconds just reading this! I think it's time for a nap now.....That vermin is waiting for you.......I can hear him squeaking now......Z Z Z Z Z ZZZZZZZ...
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