Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
Archeaologist: a person whose career lies in ruins.
Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.
Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
On the second day of Hanukkah a woman accidentally backed into a menorah. She burned her end at both candles.
Sticks float. They would.
No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops. The answer is almost always in the negative. (Yes, it's a bad pun--enough to make you shutter.)
Habitual punsters should be banished to Noman. (Noman is an island.)
People who tell really bad puns shouldn't just be banished, they should be drawn and quoted.
There was a man who heard that his local newspaper was having a contest to find the worst pun. He searched his letters and his old e-mails for the worst puns he could find, and he finally came up with a list of the ten very worst puns he'd ever heard. He was certain that one his entries would win the contest. Unfortunately for him, no pun in ten did.
Everyone has probably heard this old joke:
But very few people know the whole conversation that took place. Here it is:
A Zen master walked up to a hot dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."
So the vendor made a hot dog with the works for the Zen master and told him it would be two bucks. The Zen master gave him a $20 bill, which the vendor promptly put into the cash drawer. The Zen master then asked, "Where's my change?"
The hot dog vendor replied, "Change must come from within."
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
One day a chicken walked into the library. Much to the surprise of the librarian, the chicken marched straight to the checkout desk and started clucking, "Book book book, book book book book book, book book book...."
The librarian, rather surprised, could only stare at the chicken in disbelief. The chicken, undaunted, continued to cluck: "Book book book, book book book book book, book book book...."
After a few moments, the librarian recovered anough wits to reach below the desk, pull out a small book, and hand it to the chicken. The chicken took the book in its beak and walked out of the library. The librarian, out of curiosity, decided to follow.
The chicken walked for several minutes until it reached a small pond. In the middle of the pond sat a frog an a huge lily pad. Much to the amazement of the librarian, the chicken then turned around, and with a quick flick of its head, flung the book out to the lily pad.
The frog hopped eagerly over to the book. As the frog looked at the book, however, a look of disappointment crossed its face, and it began to croak:
"Read it, read it...."
A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go across the street to the tavern. The other bass players agreed that this was a splendid idea, and a few minutes later, the basses were in the bar, knocking back drinks at a prodigious rate.
This went on for some time, with all the bass players becoming rather inebriated. One of them happened to look down at his watch and exclaimed, "We'd better get back to our seats or we're going to miss our cue!"
"Relax," said the section leader, "I've got it all taken care of. You see, before the performance started tonight I anticipated this problem, so I took a piece of string and I tied the conductor's score shut. He won't be able to turn the pages when he gets to that part. He'll have to stop the orchestra for a few minutes so he can get it untied. We'll have plenty of time!"
The other bass players praised his inventiveness with one final round of drinks. Then they made there way back across the street to the concert hall, and staggered drunkenly to their seats.
Sure enough, about this time the conductor started to have trouble with his score. He tried to fidget with it, hoping he could solve the problem without having to stop the performance. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the pages to turn, and at last he had to stop the orchestra and spend a few minutes untying the string that held the last section of the score bound. The conductor was clearly annoyed and not a little frazzled.
This, of course, did not go unnoticed by the audience. One woman in the crowd remarked to her husband, "That conductor looks upset and rather nervous."
"Of course he's nervous," the husband replied. "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
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