Pursuing a doctorate with a family
This is a difficult proposition, but not impossible. I have been married now for 18 years, and am delighted to be a husband and a father. My children are great, and have tried to support me in my program. My wife is wonderful and patient, and has also supported me in my program. But there are risks associated with pursuing a doctorate and having a family at the same time.
The risks come from not being able, unless you are very careful, to devote adequate time to these very intensive life activities. Wives, and children, and doctorates all require an enormous amount of time and energy. Children must be shown attention and love, must be helped with their homework, must have a listening ear when they need to talk. Wives must be shown attention and love, must be the subject of romance and courting (yes, even after the marriage), must have a listening ear. Doctorates must be shown attention and, if not love per se, a passion for the subject matter, must have their homework done, and must be listened to as well.
Each of these, if you are married and have children and wish (who knows why) to pursue a graduate degree, must be given their own time and place, or else each will suffer. There will inevitably be conflicts between school programs and papers, dates with a wife and conferences. But these conflicts can be resolved by maintaining as much as possible the proper place and time for wife, children, and degree.
An opportunity that I have lost is that of fully involving my children and wife in the degree process, where the degree becomes more than my personal goal, but rather becomes a family goal. That is a loss for my children especially, because watching their father and being involved with their father as he works through a graduate program can be a very instructive experience (ah yes, perhaps instructive enough to encourage them not to pursue a graduate degree). It is a loss forme because I never (or rarely) asked for help.
While I believe in the “proper time and place” argument I have just made, I must add one caveat. If you err in allocating time and effort, err on the side of your family. The family must not be sacrificed on the altar of academia. No one has the right to sacrifice someone else’s happiness and dreams for the sake of his own.
